Dear Next Mrs Mahajan

Rahul Mahajan has allegedly beaten his reality TV wife Dimpy Ganguly (yes, she's called Dimpy, but that's no reason to beat her up). The fact that Rahul Mahajan is a popular figure in the first place speaks volumes about the mental state of Indian popular culture. "This has left us shocked. They had just got married. This was not expected," said Sameer Nair, CEO of NDTV Imagine, the channel that birthed this abomination. Au contraire, Mr Nair; many of us had imagined the horrors that might follow. Here's my Open Letter to the then-unknown Next Mrs Mahajan, published in GQ India's December 2009 issue.

Dear Next Mrs Rahul Mahajan

We thought we’d drop you a note, even though we have absolutely no idea who you are – you could be any one of the around 17,000 women who have applied to be contestants on Rahul Dulhaniya Le Jayega, the reality TV show that this month will find Rahul Mahajan his new wife.

We hear that women from all over the country and all walks of life have applied, from doctors to engineers and even prisoners in Bhopal Central Jail, including 25-year-old Seema, a convicted murderer, and Sunita, undertrial in a drug case. Sadly, the jail won’t let them out for TV appearances.

All the better for you, Next Mrs Mahajan – congratulations! Rahul’s quite a catch, isn’t he?

Now, don’t be nervous about the whole getting-married-on-TV thing. Rahul, we’re sure, will be a great source of comfort and reassurance – after all, he has a lot of experience in this area. In 2006, he married Shweta Singh even while he was in the middle of a massive media storm over that drug overdose and arrest for cocaine possession. Last year, he proposed to ex-gangster’s moll Monica Bedi live on Bigg Boss 2. The third time’s got to be the charm.

Just forget about the cameras – the most important thing is the authentic, loving bond that you and Rahul will have established over a series of high-TRP episodes. Once the cameras stop rolling, we’re sure Rahul will be a committed and adoring husband. Just look at his face – aren’t those squeezable little chipmunk cheeks just bursting with love? As he said so tenderly, in an NDTV Imagine press release: “I’m looking forward to finding my life partner with whom I can begin a new journey.”

OK, yes – his journey with Sweta turned out to be a short one. But we’re sure those stories about him beating her up were baseless exaggerations. After all, Sweta’s application for divorce, filed just 15 months after they tied the knot, was later agreed by mutual consent – so, really, Next Mrs Mahajan, nothing to worry about there.

Whatever niggling reservations you may have, just put them aside and focus on the thought of the prestigious, well-connected family you’ll be marrying into: Rahul is the son of a powerful political leader. Alright, yes, there is a downside here too – the fact that his uncle Pravin shot his father to death is obviously disturbing and upsetting. But please don’t get the idea that there might be something dysfunctional about the family. Have a heart, Next Mrs Mahajan.

Anyway, we wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Whoever you are, we’re sure you’ll be very nearly a perfect match for Rahul. The perfect matches, unfortunately, are all locked up in Bhopal Central Jail.

Happily ever after,
GQ India